Pepper's Penance Ch. 21

Author's Note

Pepper's Penance is a slow burning romance that unfolds over the course of twenty-three chapters. This is not a wham-bam story. But, if you're into that sort of thing, I think you'll like this one.

Chapter 21: Unresolved

"You sure you want to hear all this, Ash?" Pepper peered up at me. "I mean, I feel like I'm unloading a lot of baggage on you.

"And... you're not really saying anything." She rolled over.

"It's okay."

"Hmph."

"What?"

"You're a bad liar, Ash."

"I'm not... Look, I knew what I was getting into. Part-time therapist was on the list."

"Did you?"

"Yes, Pepper, I did. From the moment you walked into my store. Quit being such a martyr. We're all fucked up in some way. We all have our problems."

"If you only knew."

"Yeah, but I never will, because you'll never tell me, will you? You'll just keep showing up every weekend, eating my food, drinking Diet Cokes that I don't even like, but yet I still buy them. And hammering out your penance on my piano, expecting everyone to understand." I flopped over onto my back and blew out a sigh, not really grasping my sudden irritation.

"Nobody gets it, Pepper. You play brilliantly, but it's just pain. Nobody gets it. We're all moved, but nobody knows why."

"Are you done?"

I said nothing—just stared at the ceiling in the dark, my pulse still throbbing in my temples.

"She tied me up for sex."

"Oy vey! If you're trying to get a reaction out of me, I think—"

"It was just once. On our wedding night."

"Pepper, why don't we just—"

"No, you're right. I've never told anybody."

Now it was my turn to hmph.

"It's not what you're thinking. Natalie in leather with whips and chains. It wasn't like that at all. The cancer, Ash, what it did to her body. She didn't want me to see her like that, so she tied my wrists with scarves and wrapped another one over my eyes.

"She told me we would consummate our union, but that was it. If I tried to touch her after that it was over."

"That's messed up."

"Yeah. That was our marriage, Ash. Just like ole Seymour. Looks great from afar, until you peel back the wrappings and see the sickly roots."

Neither one of us said anything for a time. After a few deep breaths, I reached out to rest my fingertips on her arm. She shuddered once, but didn't pull away.

I moved up and cupped her shoulder in my palm, flexing my fingers a bit now and then, massaging. Though if it was an effort to relax her or to relax me, I don't really know.

"I'm not going to be jealous of your dead wife," I said. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted."

Pepper rolled over, flopped an arm across my chest and hid her face from my view. "She loved me, Ash. I know she did. But, except for our wedding night, it was always a maternal sort of love. We were only intimate that one time."

I laid my hand between her shoulder blades, stroking gently with my thumb. "You don't have to—"

"No, you're right. It's fucked up." Pepper's breath hitched. "Our whole relationship was fucked up. But she loved me. And I took advantage of her. Her dying. It's my fault. I killed her."

I stopped stroking her skin. "Pepper, the cancer—"

"No. She left a note." Pepper paused. "She left a note. And an empty bottle of painkillers. I had just refilled the prescription the day before."

"It's a horrible disease. Maybe she wanted to go out on her own terms, and not—"

"Let me finish, Ash," she said. "I don't deserve any of what she gave me. The house. The money. It's all ill-gotten gains. God knows..."

I said nothing. I held my breath and waited for her to continue.

"She left me everything. I think that's why we were married. I mean, I was a total puppy dog for her, but I remember being a little surprised when she first mentioned the idea of tying the knot."

Pepper paused and chewed at her lip.

"I think marriage made the legalities of inheritance more... clear cut," she said, and then fell silent.

I lay there with my hand still resting on her back, but the muscles of my arm now tensing.

"I cried when I found out what she had done." Pepper sucked a shuddering breath. "It must have been twenty or thirty minutes. Me sitting on the bathroom floor crying.

"And when I was done, I hid it. The note. The empty bottle. All the evidence. Because... Because insurance doesn't pay out in cases of suicide."

I pulled my hand back from between her shoulders. I wadded up a bit of the bed sheet in my clenched fingers.

"Pepper, I—"

She shrunk back, shaking. "Don't say it wasn't my fault. Don't you dare." Pepper's words were wracked with sobs. "What kind of person does something like that?"

I didn't answer.

The post orgasmic glow we shared was a distant memory as I pulled up the covers, hid my face and contemplated who I was sharing my bed with.

"I'm sorry," Pepper muttered.

I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or the ghost of Natalie. I elected to keep that thought to myself.

She curled into a ball.

I lay there wondering what to do. Should try to offer words of comfort? If I did, would she know they weren't genuine?

I stared at the wall, thinking about how I should have left things alone.

Pepper's shaking gradually subsided. Her breathing evened out into the regular pattern of sleep. Though whether she was at peace after her confession or simply wracked to the point of exhaustion, I don't know.

I rolled onto my back, putting some distance between us. After some time of staring at the ceiling, my thoughts drifted to the day we met.

Pepper was hunched over the keys, looking like she barely slept. She had just finished tinkling out her sad minor key blues. Now I knew why.

Trixie, her only friend, was lying at her feet, twitching and scratching from her allergy to cat treats of all things. And me, business card in hand, not caring about any of that and only hoping to lure this talented pianist to my store to bring the crowds of onlookers with her.

I got what I wanted. She showed up. She brought her adoring crowds with her. Business wasn't booming, but the ledger was moving out of the red. And all it cost me was a couple dozen Diet Cokes and deli sandwiches. So, who was I to judge her, when all I wanted her for was to save my store from closing?

I pressed my lips together in a tight line and drew my next breath with a shudder.

I should have left things alone and taken a lesson from Trixie. She was a much better therapist than me. Because Trixie just listened, she accepted Pepper. She never tried to fix her. Why did I feel the need to fix her?

But we couldn't go on forever stuck in this rut of her showing up on weekends to play in my store, trading lunches for the honor of her presence and the crowds she drew. Things were bound to change. The weather would warm again and the park pavilion would open. What then?

I shivered just a little with that image still in my mind.

"I'm sorry," I said. I expelled the rest of my breath all at once.

Pepper's bare arm was outside the blanket, clutching it to her and I studied the henna designs in the dim light while the silence separated us. The flowers and vines that decorated her skin, the henna paste I had so carefully laid out just yesterday, seemed faded.

She tensed when I finally worked up the courage to graze her shoulder with my finger, touching the outline of a flower. And I froze. Then I heard a sigh and she rolled toward me just a bit.

I continued along the arc of the petal until I reached the center of the flower.

"I love you," I said.

Pepper's breathing let me know she was asleep now. I continued tracing, moving outward on the perimeter of the next petal, pausing and then following it back in to the center.

"I know I said it before. And you did, too," I said. "But that was after sex, and you know..."

I started on the next petal, moving outward. "I didn't really mean to fall in love. It just happened."

I reached the top of the petal and started the inward journey. "That's not very romantic sounding, is it? But, I don't mean it in a bad way. It's just that... well..."

I traced the outline of another two petals while I thought about how I wanted to finish that sentence. Not that it mattered to Pepper. She was out cold, dreaming of I don't know what.

"We're both a little selfish, but that's okay, I think. We're not perfect. Nobody is."

I sighed and pulled my arm back in, crossing it over my chest and huddling under the covers.

I watched her breathing for a while, lying there on her side, the movement of the blanket letting me know there was a gentleness to the rhythm now.

I shifted my body, sliding across the sheet, closing the distance between us. I reached my hand out yet again. "Pepper, I—"

The covers moved as Pepper pulled in a deep breath and let it seep out slowly through her lips. At the same time she rolled forward and flopped onto her stomach.

I drew my hand back and pushed myself onto my back.

The melody from our piano lesson began to seep into my thoughts as I drifted. I was playing it right this time, ending with the last note on the octave and Pepper no longer tried to correct me. But, it still sounded wrong in my head.

The sequence of notes was resolved now, so why did it still sound wrong?

* * *

I woke to mid-morning sunlight streaming through my curtains and sat bolt upright. "Shit. Pepper, did you let Trixie out? It's gotta be like..." I glanced at the clock.

"Pepper?"

She was gone.

rn"

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